Why Your Mid-Twenties Can Feel Painfully Lonely

I am currently comfortably ensconced in my mid-twenties and have been for a couple years now. In a few months I’ll turn 27 and I think that will put me, dare I say, in my late twenties. But I think there is something especially awkward about the mid twenties period of twenty-four through twenty-seven years old, that is not yet present in your early twenties, and that I have yet to discover (or not discover) in the later part of the decade

I’m going to call it an experience divergence. As a child, your experiences match almost perfectly with those around you. Yes you have different parents and home situations but for the most part, it’s the same. You’re going to the same school, have the same teachers, same activities, and same assignments. You then go to university where this is all still true, plus the same parties, and same life decisions hanging overhead. Even the first couple years post-undergrad can be super similar. We are all in financial disarray and figuring out how to live on our own and if our first job is worth the pain. 

But then the dust settles a bit and people stop having the same experiences at the same time. All of a sudden, it feels like everyone you know is at a wildly different point in their lives. Personally, right now I know people who’ve changed jobs half a dozen times already and people who have stuck with one company and are already moving up the ranks. I know people in every type of graduate school you can think of. I know people who have started their own companies and side hustles.  I know people who travel long term and people who take one trip a year. I know people who are already super wealthy and people who are near broke. I know people who are married, engaged, pending divorce, dating, moving in together, or have never dated at all. I know people who have kids, people who have bought property, and I know people that still live with their parents.

As an individual, it’s overwhelming to see everyone around me doing something different. One day I feel like I’m  doing so well, so ahead of the game, absolutely killing it. And then next I’m worried I’m so behind everyone my age that I might never catch up. 

Part of what’s missing is the closeness that I used to have with friends based on the proximity of our experiences. I could (quite literally) compare notes because I was in the exact same environment, being exposed to a lot of the same external factors. I built those relationships completely based on going through those experiences together and overcoming similar obstacles. 

But as you move into your mid twenties, a sense of detachment starts to form. I know I feel this even with my closest friends. When we talk, I try to be empathetic and a great listener, but I also know that I don’t really know what they’re going through anymore. It may have some overlap with my experience but I will no longer fully understand their lives. I maybe haven’t met the guy they’re dating, I have never seen their boss run a meeting, I don’t even know what they look like or feel like day to day. 

This feeling at its worst, manifests into “growing apart”. My life becomes so different from an old friend that we don’t even have the essentials in common to hold the relationship together. At best, it results in regular catch-ups about big events and decisions but the little life things are starting to fall through the cracks in between those dates. As I moved from my early adulthood into my mid twenties I didn’t even realize it was happening until it felt like I woke up one morning and couldn’t keep track of anyone anymore. 

This feeling brings a lot of internal conflict. On the one hand, it’s sad to feel out of touch with so many people I used to feel so close with. Furthermore, learning about their lives through bits and pieces of social media and periodic hangouts means that I only really hear about the best and worst parts of their life. Viewing someone else’s life through that lens has had detrimental effects on my own goals. I wonder if I should try something that brought them success or I get a disproportionate amount of satisfaction when I realize I don’t have any of the same problems. 

I’ve spent the majority of my life being trained to judge myself based on how I line up with my peers but that only works if we’re all doing the same thing: grades, sports, school clubs. And when that’s not the case, life can feel terribly isolated. I wonder if I am on the right path and if anyone feels this way.

On the other hand, it’s a bit freeing. It’s amazing to see my friends find success and happiness on entirely different paths and it’s reassuring to know that there really isn’t one set journey or timeline to get there. 

When I look around, I can’t believe how far everyone has come already, but I’m also reminded of how distant I’ve been feeling from people who I used to see every day, people who I could constantly learn from and be inspired by. I want to say that much of this is pandemic related, but I also can’t help but feel like this is a natural progression in my relationships. Your twenties are all over the place. It’s still a time of insane growth but it’s no longer constrained by the familiar childhood institutions of school and parental control. Everyone is moving at a vastly different pace, hitting completely different obstacles, and all of it can feel really, really lonely. Not sure if or when this feeling will go away, maybe it’s simply something new to get used to - but know that if you’re feeling this too, I’m right there with you.

The One Where We All Unintentionally Matched - from my last proper friends trip in 2019 * cries *