The Best And Worst Thing I Do in Relationships

Growing up, one of my dad’s favorite things to tell me and my sister was ‘knowledge is power’.

When I was young, I took this to heart and it took the shape of me being a voracious reader. But as I got older, I started to recognize instances where having more knowledge really did make me more powerful. Not just when it came to assignments for school, but for other instances as well. Convincing classmates of my point of view, negotiating in foreign countries, being someone others turned to for help at work, and yes, even flirting. 

I started to do something that is pretty common sense if you’re trying to get someone to like you. I would learn about the things that they were interested in. I wasn’t aiming to be a complete expert, oftentimes the guys I have liked had hobbies that they had spent years on already, I was just trying to know enough to be able to talk to them about it - ask intelligent questions. Everyone loves talking about themselves right? And they love it even more if they feel that the person they’re talking to is actually understanding what they’re saying. This makes for better conversation, more chemistry, and it almost always helps me - for lack of a better phrase - get my man. 

However, in a relationship, this behavior starts to take on a life of its own and it’s simultaneously become my worst enemy and my greatest strength in a romantic relationship. 

It’s a strength because I continue to learn, grow, and change within the relationship quite easily. I’m highly adaptable, and love learning new things, so I take an immediate interest in whatever my partner is passionate about even if I appear lackluster about it first. I do this because I know I always find something I like within their passion, I always learn something, and it always connects to my existing body of knowledge in an unexpected way and those unexpected connections are something I prize greatly.

To date, because of my romantic partners, I know more than I would have otherwise about the following topics: Skyrim, fishing, water polo, mergers & acquisitions, divorce, fine jewelry (diamonds specifically), skiing, airplanes, pilots licenses & certifications, the oil & gas industry, Canada, streetwear/hypebeast, Formula 1 Racing, Kansas, opera, hockey, men’s fashion, and the Final Fantasy games. 

A weird collection of things right? But they’ve all come in handy at one point or another in interactions completely separate from my romantic partners. 

This is also a great strength in my relationships because it obviously brings me closer to my partner. They like it when I take a sincere interest and have genuine thoughts about their hobbies. Sure, I’m not on board with every single thing they like, but I try to pursue the things I can to their fullest extent.

Although I love the growth, connection, and knowledge that comes with this behavior. It is a huge weakness as well. There’s a delicate balance that comes into play when I take a strong interest in my partner’s passions:  I risk getting sucked in completely. 

Many people like to date partners with similar interests because that makes the relationship easy for them.  I, on the other hand, intentionally date people who have much different interests than my own. I do this for two reasons. First, because I crave something different from myself, and second, I fear competition within my own spheres of influence. I want someone who compliments my personality but isn’t the same as me. 

So when I like someone new, I am immediately interested in what makes them tick, their hobbies, habits, passions, and past. When I’m in the beginning stages, this isn’t a bad thing - in fact, it usually helps move the relationship along and strengthens it in a lot of ways. Which means it also takes a while before I realize it’s become a detriment, and in the past I’ve often realized too late. 

Eventually, I start falling into that all-too-common relationship pitfall, I start to lose myself a little bit. I’ve never gone so overboard where I abandon my habits or my other relationships with friends and family, but I do stop prioritizing my interests and passions. I yield more often to my partner’s, while my own take a backseat.

 It would be easy to pin the blame on my partner. They didn’t take enough of an interest, they didn’t ask me questions, they didn’t participate. But that’s just not the case. I didn’t make my priorities clear. And maybe that’s because they’re not clear to me. 

I enjoy thinking of myself as adaptable and capable of constant growth and change. I enjoy all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this behavior, but it has come at a price. Even though I enjoy learning and participating in my partner’s life in the moment, my inner life is left a little bit hollowed out. I don’t make it clear where my limitations are and where I'll make sacrifices, until something large comes up and by then, my inconsistencies can cause a larger conflict. 

They end up causing distress both in the relationship but also within myself. Because I allow my identity to be so malleable, when these bigger disagreements come up, I’m left staring at myself in the mirror wondering who I am now that I’ve absorbed yet another new behavior that impacts my way of life. When I finally do recognize this uncertainty in myself, it can lead me to overcorrect, which, of course, surprises my partner because it’s such a sharp change, or it causes massive insecurity, which is never good in a relationship.

And I’m still not sure what to do about this. I refuse to stop getting fully invested in my partner’s interests, but where is the limit here? Can I just keep absorbing things indefinitely? If I don’t stick to my own interests, can my whole personality simply be distilled down into someone who likes to do new things? 

Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this. I see plenty of successful relationships in my friends and family where both partners are able to keep their own interests while having a couple common ones to bond over. So why has this been so hard for me?

Probably because I didn’t realize what was happening for a long time. But  now that I’m aware of this tendency, it may simply be that I need to set stronger boundaries for myself. Carve out some time each week to focus on the things I like, and not feel as self conscious to share them more often with my partner. I don’t have to stop taking an interest in their passions and learning all that I can, but I do need to find a way to preserve my own moving forward. 

Have you ever struggled with this? Let me know in a comment or DM, I am really curious how people have grappled with maintaining themselves in a romantic relationship since clearly this is a work in progress for me. 

PC: Grace Margaretha; NYC