One Year: Relationship Reflection

As of this Friday, I will have been dating my boyfriend for a year. A year isn’t very long in the grand scheme of things. I know people my age who’ve been with their partners for much much longer already. But a year is long enough to learn the basics of another person, to build a foundation for a relationship, and take stock of your feelings. 

For some context, we met on Hinge. I had recently gotten out of a different relationship and I had gotten to the point where I wanted to flex my dating muscle. I was initially apprehensive since his profile said he worked in finance and I haven’t had the greatest experiences with men in that field, but I wanted to give him a chance since he said he had spent substantial time in Hong Kong and I thought that maybe we could relate over similar travel experiences. 

The day before my date with him, I had a different date that was pretty unremarkable, so I wasn’t feeling very motivated. I barely did my normal date prep - opting to skip doing my hair or shaving any part of myself since I had already formulated an excuse in my mind to leave early. However, as the date got started I had never regretted not shaving my legs more in my life. 

First of all, he was even better looking in person, and we were able to find common ground on pretty much all the initial topics of work, health, books, movies, and travel. We ended up staying until the place closed and the rest of the evening went so well that I may or may not have written this post the week after. Since then, we’ve gone out to countless dinners and activities, met families, gone on trips, and increasingly enjoyed each other’s company.

I can’t believe a year has already gone by with him, and as of right now I can say that I spend 90% of my time feeling deliriously happy when I think about this relationship. I attribute a lot of this happiness to two big things (and a million small things) that I haven’t experienced before. 

I read somewhere a long time ago that a good rule of thumb in a relationship is to try and do one thing a day - big or small - to make the other person happy. This phrase stuck with me and I’ve always used it in my own relationships. I liked having that tiny goal to work towards every day. If I can make the other person laugh or smile every time I’m with them then I can’t be doing too badly. But I didn’t always feel this sentiment was returned.

 In my current relationship, I don’t think I’ve ever even told him about this phrase, but he does it anyway. I can feel his desire to make me happy when I’m with him. I can feel how badly he feels when I’m down about something even when it has nothing to do with him. All of his actions when he’s around me show me how much he prioritizes my happiness and our interactions, and that just adds to my own confidence in how much I should try to prioritize his. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. 

The other thing I haven’t found before, is someone who works just as hard as me (maybe harder) on improving every aspect of their lives. I used to think that as long as I was with someone who was willing to work hard on the relationship, it didn’t matter if they were more lax in other areas. But those differing levels of effort would often lead to conflict for me in past relationships because I wanted to be able to work on goals together. Ultimately, you bring your whole self to a relationship. Nurturing your own health, relationships, goals, and hobbies make you a better partner. 

My boyfriend works extremely hard on pretty much everything he does - all separate from me, but also in many of the same areas I prioritize for myself. I’ve never been with someone who was my equal on so many planes that I felt that they could actually make me better in more than one area, and who enjoys improving and being pushed as well. 

This evenness of effort and initiative translates to little things as well. If we’re planning something together or have split up tasks in some way, I don’t feel the need to check on him because I know he cares about doing something well just as much as I do. I haven’t been able to rely on a boyfriend in this way before. I haven’t been able to truly hand over something that stresses me out and trust that they will take care of it. But with him, I can, and that makes me feel like we’re actually a team.

So what about the other 10% of the time?

I feel obscenely terrified. It lives in the back of my mind and simply stays there quietly. I’m afraid of it all going wrong. Of having something so amazing and messing it up or losing him and the relationship we currently have. On the one hand, I hate that I have this fear because often it feels like pointless anxiety. Things will happen as they are meant to. On the other hand, having it pop up sometimes does help me appreciate my relationship more. It reminds me that if this is something I want to continue, I still need to be doing everything I can to keep it. It’s not a crippling fear - it’s a motivating fear. It keeps me showing up as best I can so I never regret not trying hard enough for something this good. 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll regret writing things like this and posting them online. What if we break up? I would be a little mortified. But I’m willing to take that risk. I like doing these reflections because it’s important to me to recognize all the good and the bad, and to be able to learn from it. So far, this relationship has been overwhelmingly good and even if it goes bad one day, it has set a hell of a high bar for any future ones.

A quick selfie while cooking with the sunset