A Sexual Breakthrough
Recently I read this book called “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. It was actually recommended to me by my boyfriend (extra points for him), and the book kinda blew my mind. The overall topic is about female sexuality and sexual experience and reading it felt like someone had opened a window into all the things I felt insecure about when it came to sex.
I had at least three major breakthroughs while reading it but today we’re just going to tackle one:
Context is everything. Nagoski introduced me to the concepts of brakes and accelerators when it comes to arousal. Accelerators are things that make you more likely to be turned on and brakes are things that make you more likely to be turned off. Notice I didn’t say ‘turn-ons’ and ‘turn-offs’ because it’s not that easy. The book has a simple quiz you can take to determine if you have sensitive brakes or accelerators or both or neither.
I have sensitive brakes and sensitive accelerators so for me this means I’m turned on by something as simple as a few kisses but I’m also turned off by something as small as the thought of my pants being turned inside out when I took them off and the fact that I’ll have to turn them right side out again later (I am a control FREAK).
The brakes and accelerators discussion feeds the larger topic of context. The context of the situation has to be right for someone to be in the mood. It explains why you probably shouldn’t try to initiate sex right after your partner just had a fight with their best friend and why you maybe should initiate after a really thoughtful date night. But context is different for everyone and it’s your brakes and accelerators that inform your specific responses in any given context. It’s also important to note that all the accelerators can be revving but if the brakes are on the floor then it will still be tough to get in the right mindset to enjoy the sex.
The part that was especially groundbreaking for me was the fact that accelerators and brakes aren’t just external - they are internal as well. So every time I was feeling insecure about my body or about my sexual history, or I was stressed about work=BRAKES. But every time I felt calm and good about myself=ACCELERATE.
And it explained so much about why I wasn’t able to respond in certain contexts as opposed to others. Once I broke down what was taking me out of the mood versus what put me in the mood - I was able to see extremely consistent patterns.
One thing that always hits my brakes? Deadlines. If a reservation or appointment is coming up in the next hour or so and my boyfriend tries to initiate with me, I won’t enjoy the sex as much as I could have otherwise, because my mind will be worried about the time. So no matter how great the sex itself was, there will still be a nagging feeling preventing me from having as good of a time as possible.
The solution? Figure out your brakes and accelerators, talk about them with your partner, and see how many brakes you can remove and how many accelerators you can hit. Keep in mind, your brakes and accelerators may differ from your partner’s so finding a balance between the two of you is extremely key so that you can both be in the right frame of mind to enjoy yourselves.
And in the meantime - I seriously cannot recommend this book enough. Not an ad - it just really opened up my eyes to arousal and my own sexual cues and I can safely say it has had a net positive effect on my sex life ;)
PC: Clara Yu