Still Need Valentine's Day Ideas? Take Another Look at Love Languages
If you’ve never heard of the five love languages, then you have truly been living under a rock. The concept comes from a book written by Gary Chapman and released in 1992 but it has skyrocketed in popularity in the past few years. ‘Love language’ is a term used to describe ways of showing or receiving love. The five outlined in Chapman’s book are Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation. While these are not limited to use in romantic relationships, I do think that if you can master these languages for your partner, it can be an incredibly strong tool in your relationship.
If you don’t already know your love languages, then figuring them out is the first step. Although these languages sound cheesy at first, they are all things that people crave as part in their interactions. Walk through them for yourself and then with others in your life. Usually everyone has one or two that are more important to us than others. Furthermore, people oftentimes have different rankings depending on whether they are focused on giving or receiving love. For example, when showing affection, I’m more likely to show it through quality time and gifts, but prefer to receive it principally through quality time and physical touch.
It can be easy to dismiss this as a fun exercise, like a personality quiz or zodiac signs. But if you really pay attention to these languages, it’s almost like having a cheat code to yourself and any potential partner. You can think of these languages as tools in your arsenal for the relationship. You would know that if their top language is acts of service that finishing up the housework will go so much farther in making them feel better than a hug would. You know exactly which things to try in order to maximize their happiness in any given moment.
Furthermore, talking through these can also give you insight into why your partner could be averse to certain things. Some people aren’t as touchy due to a bad experience, and some people find gifts to be disingenuous expressions of affection. You can find out both what works, and what doesn’t.
On the flip side, they can help you understand your own responses to something your partner might do. It can be hard to communicate when your love languages and your partner’s aren’t the same because the value placed on each one is different. Physical touch might just be neutral to you but it might translate to safety for your partner. Quality time might seem frivolous to them but it means intimacy for you. By making your feelings around each one known, you ensure that your partner has all the information necessary to understand your responses to their different types of affections.
For me, quality time is insanely important, and my partner knows this. Whenever, there’s a period of time where I feel like we haven’t spent enough quality time together and I’m feeling the lack of intimacy, having already discussed this makes it much that easier to bring up. He already knows how important quality time is for me, so he knows that if this language is not being met then it’s a big deal and it’s something to seriously pay attention to.
Obviously, these don’t provide a perfect system of affection and communication, but if you haven’t discussed these with your partner, it’s an incredible place to start building a foundation. Implementing these on a daily basis can help you look at your partner more positively, can open your eyes to opportunities to make them happy, and ultimately increase intimacy because you are delivering affection in the way that will be best received.
I’d go even further and say figuring these out just for yourself is worthwhile. Aiming these love languages back at yourself is what half of the self love narratives out there are already evangelizing. Spend time doing things you love (quality time). Tell yourself you look amazing (words of affirmation). Create a blanket fortress (physical touch). Buy yourself something nice (gifts). There is no downside to exploring these for yourself. You’ll also be that much better prepared if you ever do find yourself pursuing a relationship. So whether you’re single or taken for this upcoming Valentine’s day, using your love languages to treat yourself and your loved ones is never a bad way to go.
